February 2012
2 posts
Evidence
Yes babe, the sex tapes are ours. But know if we ever divorce they become mine.
Secrets
I’m the one you always tell.
January 2012
6 posts
Restaurant Rudeness
No matter how bad the waiter is, we do not make a scene. We speak to the manager, make a graceful exit, and don’t let it ruin our evening.
Go ahead. Ask Siri how to change a flat tire.
I will never let you forget this moment for as long as we both shall live.
An Open Marriage
Just to be clear, Newt Gingrich didn’t ask for an open marriage. That raging narcissist asked his ailing wife for permission to continue cheating. There’s a huge difference.
Sticky Fingers
That toddler that smells like syrup is not touching my iPhone. I don’t care if it’s our kid.
Couples counseling is for pussies
Let’s go rob a bank together.
Are we in a hurry or something?
I appreciate you picking up the tab, but please wait until I’m done eating before you ask for the damn check.
New Years Eve
I don’t care if we go big or stay home, as long as we get to make out at midnight.
December 2011
2 posts
Diet Coke and Pinot Grigio
They are my lifeblood and I will always order them together. Sure it’s tacky, but unless the restaurant has a Michelin star, that’s just how I roll.
November 2011
3 posts
The only way we'll participate in Black Friday
is by starting a death pool with our friends and betting on how many shoppers get trampled.
Shut up.
Dexter is on.
72 fucking days?
If we spend our lives together as one of those happy couples that never get married, I’m cool with it. Kim Kardashian can be our excuse.
October 2011
7 posts
Trick or Treat
I play tricks. You give me treats.
Occupying Wall Street
I’m thinking that should be your euphemism for fucking me in the ass. Don’t worry. I won’t protest.
Sunday Mornings
I might get down on my knees, but it’s not gonna be in church.
Tact
Never refer to any sex act as a “servicing”. Your penis is not a dipstick.
Plans
Let’s make the American dream our bitch.
Rainy Days
Fuck that noise, it’s time for a bed party.
Sushi
Please don’t be the numnard who orders chicken teriyaki and a fork at the Japanese restaurant.
September 2011
3 posts
Laundry Day
Stuffing the washing machine with everything in the hamper and then hitting the start button does not count as “doing the laundry.” Fluff and fold, motherfucker.
Bedazzler
You are not a castmember on Jersey Shore. The only things on your shirt that are allowed to sparkle are the cufflinks.
Skymall Appliances
Let’s never be one of those couples who gets all excited about the latest Dyson vacuum cleaner, a Subzero refrigerator that plays Pandora, or god forbid, a fucking Margaritaville blender.
August 2011
10 posts
Orgasms > Generic Compliments
Something else to remember the next time you fuck up.
Girlfriends
Treat mine well. They know more about you than you could possibly imagine.
Pedestals
I don’t want you to put me on one or bend over backwards for me. I may, however, ask you to bend me over a pedestal. That sounds like a fucking blast.
Bacon
Bring home the bacon. Literally. I love bacon. That shit is delicious.
Ice Loves Coco
Watch and take notes. That’s a surprisingly healthy marriage.
Deep V's
Dude, no. You are not allowed to have more cleavage than me.
Sharks vs The Mafia
It’s okay to admit it. Mob Week on AMC was better than Shark Week on The Discovery Channel.
Procrastination
The longer you wait, the harder it gets. There is only one situation where this works out well.
Gordon Ramsay
Yeah, I know he’s got a face like a cauliflower. So what? He’s hot as fuck, and I don’t have to explain my celebrity fantasy list to you.*
*this also applies to Larry David.
Tivo
Yes, it makes cute noises, and it knows what television shows you like, but please don’t talk to Tivo like it’s the family pet.
July 2011
13 posts
Birthday Blues
When I say I don’t want anything and am going to skip celebrating this year, whatever you do, don’t believe me.
Promiscuity
You know better than to ask how many men I’ve slept with, and I know better than to have ever kept track.
Our vows
will not include the word “obey.”
Head Scratches
Dude, why don’t you moan like that when we’re fucking?
Sephora
Here, take this flare gun. If I’m not back with some lip gloss in twenty minutes, fire it once into the air and cancel all of our credit cards.
My Tramp Stamp
Aren’t ya glad I gave you something to aim for back there?
Vegas
You’d better be able to keep up.
The DVR
I promise not to put The Real Housewives of any city on our queue.
Batteries
If I ever have to steal the batteries from your remote control to use in my vibrator, you should probably take the hint.
As you wish
Every once in a while, I’m gonna turn to you out of the blue and say “Farm boy, fetch me that pitcher.” You’d better know the proper response.
Star Wars Marathon
How about I pretend your dick is a lightsaber and go down on you while humming the theme song instead? Okay fine, we can do both.
Casey Anthony
You don’t give a fuck. I don’t give a fuck. Still, we both know the bitch did it.
Shoes
Think of them as the female equivalent to a blow job. Really good ones can make everything better and I’ll always want more.
Robes
Mine is sacred. You are not allowed to borrow, wash, or use it as a cum towel. Ever.
June 2011
19 posts
Gym Memberships
Are not considered presents. If you decided to ‘surprise’ me with one, I’ll know you think I’m fat and will retaliate by leaving stacks of penile implant brochures around the house for your viewing pleasure.
Class
It’s one of those things you can never have too much of, kinda like toilet paper and lube.
Blood
If you’ll pay hundreds of dollars for “blood splatter” seats at a UFC fight, you are not allowed to squirm at the mention of my period.